At this time, with respect, I ask you for one favor. I seek your understanding on this, and your patience for a few minutes, please.
Today I mark a year since I last saw your beautiful face in person.
Please forgive me if you feel in this year that I have been harassing you.
I would like to be able to stop, and maybe only let you know very important things once in a while.
Here is the truth:
I promised I would never leave you; I have not. I cannot unless you release me from that promise. You are not with me, you refuse to speak to me, but I remain yours still, and only yours.
This is not difficult for me, as I have chosen to believe your words that if you stopped loving me, you would tell me so.
Please, Cashi, if you know you will not invite me again into your life, I need to know. I am a human being, and I miss you, and I hurt sometimes. And I deserve your consideration if that is true.
I need to live out my destiny (which I know in my heart is to be with you) even if that destiny is uncertain, potential and in the future; but if our story is truly over, I have to face that and change my path.
I do NOT need to know when you will return. I am NOT asking you to commit to a date. Right now I am not asking you even to return. I am certainly NOT asking you to release me. But I need to know where your headspace is at. I need to know if you will never return.
In truth, if you just don't know but think you might return one day, I will wait happily until my last breath, with the hope that at any moment you might walk through that door. I am at peace that it could end like that. And I will be yours and only yours until that last moment.
If you cannot say otherwise, I cannot do otherwise.
But if you know you will not return, if you KNOW in your heart, you must release me from my promise.
I hope you will not release me. I hope you will not release me.
Cashi, please do not release me.
So I ask for one, just one thing. It will be easy.
Reply to this email, or text, or call or however you know I will get it, with either:
"I read it"
"I will not return"
If I receive "I read it", I will be able to settle down and focus on creating my path and preparing something worthy of You, who are the Best and will be My Queen one day (or I Will Not Have One). I will be able to stop harassing you so much.
If I receive "I will not return" then I will move on. I will make sure I never darken your door, never come into contact with you. but I will still send you good energy. And still be available should you ever need my help, financial or otherwise. I will always and forever love you and always and forever think well of you. You will be able to find me if you need me.
And if you say "I will not return" but later realize it is a mistake. Well, I will always love you so who knows... but I will no longer prepare myself for with YOU in mind. It would be a loss.
Just a few more words, please bear with me...
When I was with you, I was sometimes excitable and often frustrated. It was never, ever your fault or directed at you, but it affected you. I apologize for hurting you. Please forgive me for being weaker than a Prince should be.
I often acted as if life was about what was "acceptable." This hurt you sometimes, I realize now, and I regret it. But as I observed the last time we were out together, you are actually much more conservative than you present; I am FAR more open-minded than I present. So I can love and be open to new ideas and experiences. And I do.
If you return to me, I will accept you on any terms you wish. The most important thing to me is you. Period. I promise I will be strong, calm, caring, selfless, fun, supportive, easy, communicative, honest, and that I will serve you with all my strength as long as I live. I promise to never let you regret coming back to me. You see I AM a prince and I WILL BE a king and I WILL make you a Queen.
So... about love. In my life, I have enjoyed very much being a lawyer, producing movies, writing, fencing, wine, music and other things. BUT when I direct, or when I am holding a camera in my hand, the entire world disappears. Every time. When doing those things, I am always in the moment, always at peace and always happy.
Every moment with you, even when I let stress affect the way I reacted, I was at peace. I was in the moment, and happy.
That is love, or part of its effect.
When you return, I will not let stresses and pressures of life interfere with my expression; I vow I will give you only my best, only peace and fun and goodness, as you deserve.
That is what I have for you today.
Please, please respond.
And be blessed.
With love, not strings,
This is also the first entry, entitled "One Year" at http://shadowmihai.com/casheena